Ann “Curvy” Curry may have been “wearing a very fabulous blue and white outfit” underneath her robe, as she mentioned in her commencement address at Wheaton College the other day, but one can only wonder what was underneath her graduation cap.
As you all must know by now, in her commencement address to more than 400 graduates of Wheaton College in Norton, Massachusetts, in a feeble attempt to connect with the graduating students, she mentioned famous alumni of Wheaton College, including Billy Graham, Wes Craven, Todd Beamer, and Dennis Hastert. Oh, Oh, Ann. Oops, major faux pas! “Holy Crap!”, as Frank Barrone would say. None of these gentlemen graduated nor even attended that College. They attended the private Evangelical Protestant, coeducational, liberal arts college in Wheaton, Illinois, also named Wheaton College. Would someone please show Annie how to google! Has she been hanging out with Sarah Palin?
What should have been so obvious about her gaffe, making it even more embarrassing, was that when Graham and Hastert were students, Wheaton College was strictly a female college. Oh boy! She not only confused the two colleges, but apparently she may not even have known that Wheaton College had been a leading college for women and only became co-educational in 1988. Is it conceivable that the female recipient of an honorary doctorate from Wheaton, a leading woman in journalism, was oblivious to these facts before making a commencement address to this very prestigious College, formerly regarded as one of the top liberal arts colleges for women?! Maybe Annie should have paid more attention to the content of her speech and less to that fabulous blue and white outfit underneath her robe. Did I mention that her eyeliner and makeup were flawless at the commencement?
What makes this incident funnier is that Annie gave an almost identical commencement speech a week before in Providence, Rhode Island, where she was awarded yet another honorary degree for her success in journalism, using the same mommie-dearest jokes, etc.; here, however, she did have enough smarts not to confuse this college with Wheaton, appropriately substituting the name “Providence” for “Wheaton” in perfect mail merge synchronicity, and instead of wearing a blue and white outfit underneath her robe, she wore a black and white dress underneath her gown in stylish color coordination to the school’s colors. Always the woman of Vogue! Did I mention that her eyeliner and makeup were flawless at this commencement as well?
Equally as amusing as Annie’s gaffe was the fact that all of the graduates appeared oblivious to her faux pas: there was not an “ah” or “oops” or “snicker” audible after her litany of the Illinois college alumni. One can only wonder if they had all sobered up for commencement?! So much for the $200,000 price tag for a college education at Wheaton.
Finally, crescendoing this entire commencement address into a hilarious farce was Wheaton College’s subsequent attempt of a Curry-Gate cover up, editing the video and text of Annie’s commencement address by removing the gaffe and scrubbing it off the internet (it can be found, by the way, at http://www1.whdh.com/video/player/?clipId=4809762). Now let me ask you, is that intellectual honesty? Is that journalism at its best, reporting what truthfully occurred, after awarding this television icon in journalism an honorary doctorate for her achievements in that field? LOL! The irony is precious. I couldn’t make this stuff up! I would have awarded her an honorary doctorate in flawless eyeliner and makeup techniques, for sure.
NBC hired an attractive, very leggy news woman, currently paying her a reported $3,000,000 per year salary. I’m fat and balding, and AccountingWEB doesn’t pay me a shekel. Maybe if I had her legs…?
I did enjoy her speech, though. There were memorable phrases as, “The key is to be ready”….yeah, Ann, as you were the other day!
And let us not forget the unforgettable boast, bursting with bravado: “And to everyone who says to you along the way that you cannot do something…, the thing you should have in your mind is, ‘Oh, yeah? Watch me.’” We watched you, Ann. And you sure did it!
I also relish these lines: “More than luck, talent, or even brainpower, determination is the trait…And the best part is that unlike talent and luck and brainpower, determination is what you can choose to have.” But doesn’t brainpower help, Ann. It certainly would have helped you the other day. You quoted your mother as saying, “college is stupid”. No, Annie, college is not stupid; people are stupid. Hello?
And last but not least, here are lines that I will take with me to my grave: “To you I say, it is only with adversity that we even have a chance at greatness. Adversity is your opportunity.” Did you mean “controversy” here instead of “adversity”, Annie? They do sound similar, and they rhyme! Hmmm. Perhaps Wheaton edited this line, too.
And if, as you claim, Annie, “adversity is your opportunity”, you certainly have plenty of opportunities ahead. Perhaps you could return to being a cocktail waitress? Or marry a rich guy, as your mother advised you. You do have great legs, Ann. (As if we haven’t noticed by now, Annie.)
If you really want to turn all of this adversity about Wheaton into an opportunity, here’s a suggestion (better do it before Tina Fey beats you to it!): call up your sister show, SNL – Saturday Night Live, appear on the show as Ann Curvy Curry, wear a micro mini, or–better yet–a fabulous blue and white outfit purchased at Victoria’s Secret, apply the “racoonish” eyeliner your mommie accused you of wearing, and give the commencement speech all over again, but this time include, among its famous alumni, Alvin and the Chipmunks, and Rin Tin Tin….Please don’t be mortified….I screw up everyday, Annie. But I just laugh it off. It’s all about recognizing that we are only human, not gods and goddesses, Annie.
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